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Mastering the Primary Skills of a Healthy Relationship

As children we have very few healthy models in the world to exemplify the healthy relationship. We watch our parents tear each other down, build walls to keep each other out, and struggle with simple tasks like honesty and patience with their entire family. When we grow up, we have to then go out into the world and try to develop relationships based entirely on the role models and basic inept abilities we learned over the years. The more we get it wrong, the more we learn how to do it right.

Men have been taught a lot of pretty significant falsehoods about their emotions and their capabilities when it comes to self expression. If we cried, we were sissies but then our girlfriend doesnt understand why we refuse to get all that upset about anything. Just because she has the capability to emote in a corner all day doesnt mean that we do. On top of this, we dont really even know what to do with a woman when she is busy emoting.

Building a healthy relationship starts with getting rid of all those insignificant beliefs that prevent you from feeling real emotions. Because as much as we want to pretend they are not available to us, real emotion is so much easier to deal with than false pretense based on a societal or parental belief.

Relationship skills dont come easily. There is no handy little notebook that guys can locate behind the last beer in fridge or under the mattress. It generally takes a few mistakes before we even start to realize that we are screwing up big time. When she starts to lose interest, it is easier to blame her like she went out and got laid which is why you arent getting enough. With every mistake comes the opportunity for serious personal development and growth, which can ultimately make you better at relationships.

Listening is one of the hardest relationship skills to grasp. Usually because we believe we are listening when we arent. Listening doesnt mean doing everything she asks of us, but it does mean being present enough to be able to repeat back to her what she is looking for in her own words and being able to present an accurate picture. Listening means being able to understand what she means by the things that she says. Sometimes, especially when we are angry or upset, we say things in a way that is not entirely accurate of our viewpoint or how we really feel although we are trying to express something vitally important to us. Women have a harder time with this concept than men, especially when it comes to self expression of her needs when she is angry. Time, mistakes, and a learning curve are part of the deal.

Many women report that if you solve the listening problems of their partnership then about 90% of their relational problems would go away. While the percentage varies with each individual couple, many relationships are much healthier after learning how to listen. Communicating effectively is just as important. Your mate could be a fabulous listener bur if you arent expressing any thoughts, experiences, or emotions then I guess those listening skills need a complementary partner. Expressing ones needs is not easy. Its easy to say something like, I am in need of some food because I am hungry, but taking your abstract needs and putting it into sentences can be very difficult. It is so difficult in part because it requires a bit of self honesty, and it means that we have wants and needs that are beyond the simple basics of hunger, thirst, and sleep.

Other people cant always meet our needs, which means we have to learn that expressing a need and having to wait or finding a way to meet our own need is vital to the health of the relationship. Love is truly based on a desire for the other persons happiness and their gift of presence, it is not based on another persons ability to make you happy.

Drop the guilt. We do guilt very well in todays society. We use guilt to make sure we dont make a terrible mistake and we use guilt to motivate those we love into being sorry enough not to repeat their mistake. Guilt is a pretty useless emotion that originates inside the walls of Catholicism, we dont ever get to hear about the healthy issues that have been proven ro push past guilt and into the land of healthy respect. Guilt doesnt motivate to prevent mistakes it just prevents us from forgiving and moving forward and creating a healthy environment for your self.

One of the most important skills to developing a truly happy relationship is realizing that you are healthy for wanting a relationship. Some guys believe that a relationship means that they have settled, or sold out. Really awesome guys with really bright futures are falling love and devoting themselves to relationships because it is a completely natural thing to do. Running around and grabbing every available woman for a potential relationship wears thin after awhile. Grabbing up a good thing when you see it is part of the growing up process as well. There is nothing second rate about loving a woman and wanting to spend the rest of your life with her.

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